Codependency, Boundaries, & How to Heal [According to a Therapist]
Takeaway: If you struggle with codependency, you probably struggle to set healthy boundaries with the people in your life, leaving you feeling burnt out and emotionally neglected. Thankfully, it’s possible to break this pattern and foster mutually beneficial relationships. Here, I’ll explain the link between codependency and boundaries and share practical strategies for starting to heal.
Understanding codependency
If you're here, you may already identify as codependent or recognize the way in which codependent patterns manifest in your day-to-day life. However, it can still be helpful to refresh your memory on what codependency really is and the common ways it can affect people.
Unlike conditions like anxiety or depression, codependency isn't a mental health diagnosis. Rather, it's a learned relationship pattern that's often passed down through generations. Codependent relationships form when a person is hyperfocused on other people's feelings rather than their own needs.
While being thoughtful and selfless can be positive qualities, they can also contribute to one-sided relationships where you're constantly giving, neglecting your own feelings, and hiding your true self out of fear of rejection.
Common signs that you struggle with codependency include
Constantly needing validation from others,
Having trouble asking for what you need,
Avoiding conflict,
Feeling responsible for other people's feelings,
Difficulty saying no,
Struggling to share your true thoughts, emotions, and needs,
and more.
It's important to know that displaying codependent traits doesn't mean that you're "bad" or "broken." In fact, those patterns have brought you this far. Chances are, they've protected you in times when it didn't feel safe to be yourself.
At the same time, you may now be feeling called to shed these patterns and find new ways to relate to yourself and others. That's okay too, and it is possible to learn how to build healthy relationships.
The role of boundaries in codependency (and codependency recovery)
Before we dive into strategies for healing from codependency, I want to spend some time discussing the relationship between boundaries and codependency. Boundaries are a major part of both codependency and codependency recovery, so it's important to understand what they are and the role they play.
People from dysfunctional families (where codependent patterns are often learned) may struggle to form a strong sense of self. They may only recognize their value as it relates to other people. For example, you might feel good about yourself when you "rescue" a loved one from a difficult situation or uncomfortable feeling. However, if you can't fix their problem, you may feel bad about yourself to the point of feeling worthless.
In a codependent relationship, you get so wrapped up in the other person's wants and needs that you neglect yourself. This can make it confusing where you end and another person begins, leading to trouble being alone, low self esteem, and difficulty being your authentic self.
That's where setting boundaries comes in. Your boundaries define you as your own unique person. Having these clearly defined boundaries between you and others can help you grow your sense of self and foster healthy relationships.
Of course, this can be easier said than done, especially if you've struggled with codependent patterns for a while. Hopefully, my tips can help make the process a bit easier.
How to stop codependency and set boundaries: 5 tips from a therapist
As a codependency therapist, I often hear from clients that they feel like these traits are a part of them. They worry that they will never be able to change these deeply ingrained patterns and that they're sentenced to feeling this way for the rest of their life.
Thankfully, I've also seen firsthand that it is possible to heal. These strategies can help you start that process.
1. Learn more about codependency, boundaries, and attachment.
Educating yourself on codependent relationships is a good place to start. Classic books like Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie, as well as more modern books like Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love by Jessica Baum can help you learn more about codependent relationships and how these patterns might show up in your day-to-day life.
2. Get familiar with your feelings.
Like we've talked about, people who engage in codependent behaviors often put their own needs and feelings on the back burner. This can make it difficult to know how you actually feel and what you really want. I recommend taking some intentional time to develop an awareness of your feelings, whether through journaling, meditation, or another practice that allows you to tune in with yourself.
3. Let yourself grieve.
When you begin setting and maintaining boundaries, you may feel distant from your loved ones. While this is part of creating a stable sense of self and healthy relationships, it can still feel painful. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of safety you once got from your codependent patterns. This is part of your growing process.
4. Learn about yourself.
In order to set meaningful boundaries that truly serve you, it's essential to get to know yourself: what you want, need, feel, think, and more. Your assignment is to take a deep dive in learning everything you can about who you are as an individual, not in relation to another person. This is a great time to try new things and take note of your internal reactions.
5. Ask for the time you need to respond.
As you start the process of setting boundaries and healing from codependency, you'll start to say "no" more to others. However, you'll more than likely still feel an internal pressure to say yes. Or, you might feel frozen when you know that you want to say "no" but are worried about hurting someone's feelings.
In situations where a person is asking something of you, I recommend taking some time to reflect on what you want before automatically responding. You could say something like, "I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you at 'X' time."
Therapy can help you find deep healing from codependent patterns.
Learning to set boundaries takes time, effort, and intention—and you don't need to do it alone. Therapy can give you the support you need to navigate this difficult (but rewarding) process with confidence.
In my practice, I specialize in helping young adults heal from codependent relationship patterns and set the boundaries they need to live a life they love. Using an in-depth approach, I support my clients in getting to the root of these patterns, learning new ways to connect with others, and getting comfortable showing up as their authentic selves.
Ready to get started? I'm here for you.
